People are often surprised to learn that I, Brian Phillips, enjoy spending time with celebrities in glamorous situations and environments. “But Brian,” they exclaimed, eyes wide on their Frappuccino straws, “you’re a person Serious writer! How can you waste your time with all that garbage?
My answer is always the same. “Look, if Thomas Mann could write,” I say with a little smile Doctor Faustus In Pacific Palisades without even getting a tan, there’s no reason why I can’t… Something something something.“I kind of chug the last bit into my drink. That’s a trick I learned from Kirsten Dunst.
Case in point: Last night I went to a screening of the new movie X-Files The series takes place at the London Hotel, one of Hollywood’s exclusive hotels. Glen Morgan was there. Glen Morgan is a little guy I like to call a “producer.” X-FilesIt is a television series that aired on Fox between 1993 and 2002, starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. In fact, he’s not young at all. He’s not huge, but he has some bulk to him. If I had to use one word to describe Glenn Morgan’s physical level, it would be “average.” There are a lot of different sizes of people in the world, and this guy is one of the average people.
And then there were cocktails.
Say what you will about Hollywood, but it was a great experience. for me The mind of a serious writer He was fully engaged in learning about things like the meaning of America and also what was going on with Mulder and Scully these days. In the most important and deepest sense, I know both now. I would love to share this knowledge with you. However, I can’t. Because of spoilers. Ever since George R.R. Martin told me that Tyrion killed Daenerys at the end of the last book, I’ve been terrified of accidentally revealing a major spoiler online. The PR person who welcomed me into the screening room also explained that she was “cutting the film.” [me]”If I ‘breathe'[d] A word about any of this, you [extremely handsome man]”.
Like I said, I love hanging out with celebrities.
What am I? He can I tell you what it is no It happens in the new X-Files. A lot of things don’t happen! Each new lack of development is more shocking than the previous one. Without further ado, here are the most exciting details X-Files Plot developments that never existed and never will.
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Rommel Demano/WireImage David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson in New York in October 2013.
1. Mulder doesn’t order another caipirinha and then say, “Heh. I like that word.” Caipirinha“.
2. A cigarette-smoking man never sits grumbling in bed screaming, “Jesus, Velasquez, when is this? no Is it time to ditch recycling? For the foreigner lying next to him.
3. Scully never orders some trays online.
4. At the end of a dark alley, where the light from the lone streetlamp shines along the rain-soaked sidewalk, Scully finds a pop-up taqueria where this guy Jonathan makes churros.
5. I could tell you that this series explores the politics of mulch production, but I’d be lying, because that’s something else that doesn’t happen.
6. Mulder doesn’t stare out the window at the US Capitol and whisper, “Monsters, huh. I don’t think I get it.”
7. Do you know who else doesn’t? anyone.
8. Mulder simply never books a trip to Africa on the basis that “it’s just hippos feel “Like an X-file.”
9. At no point did it emerge that FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner joined Kickstarter to get funding for his “elegant novel” for Infocom. Leather gods of Phobos.
10. The word “copyleft” – it doesn’t get thrown around very often.
11. Jonathan, who doesn’t make churros, doesn’t tell Scully that “it’s about the cinnamon” and then gasps, “I’ve said too much,” and is then shot in the head by a Venusian sniper.
12. Not only do Mulder and Scully then find a mysterious, low-slung white building in the middle of a cinnamon field where blank-faced workers in white suits look like they’re processing cinnamon but also look like they’re doing something else. .
13. Deep Throat doesn’t come back from the dead and scream, “Surprise, friends! It’s me, Deep Throat!”
14. There is never a day, in the entire timeline of the new series, that the members of the conspiracy publicly admit that they would make a bad water polo team.
15. You may have read speculation in online forums that the Scully flat looks a little light on the trays. I don’t know what to tell you; She doesn’t buy anything new.
16. The camera doesn’t slowly zoom in on Leonard Bates, the crab-eating mutant, licking Friendly’s ice cream cone for a long while, and then keeps zooming in, closer and closer, all the way to his crazy, dead body. His eyes as he muttered: “This tastes disgusting.”
17. “That’s right: You said ice cream tastes disgusting compared to cancer,” Betts added. “Relax your mouth WhichTwitter ice cream.
18. Mulder doesn’t throw a football through a tire swinging in extreme slow motion while a gruff, nonsensical male voiceover breaks up his mechanics.
19. I don’t want to get overly specific about how Scully’s Java lessons go, but suffice it to say that she doesn’t take any.
20. Scully’s daughter Emily died in season five.
21. “Bound the UFOs,” is not what a cigarette-smoking man on a speedboat says. Then it is truly He doesn’t run his fingers through his hair and shout, “I have leonine locks!”
22. Scully doesn’t text her friend Allison that a guy who smokes cigarettes is “some kind of f***ing boy tbqh.”
23. Okay, let’s talk about vaping. I shouldn’t, but I know you have questions. I’m not saying that Smisnor, the alien master of the Milky Way who was created when Samantha Mulder’s genes were spliced into Alex Krycek, doesn’t vape. I I am Saying that Smezznor, the king of the galaxy who is a compulsive vaper, is a stupid idea and that he doesn’t exist.
24. The course of the Cinnamon Plot does not lead Mulder and Scully to a bombed mosque in Tangier, where Mulder does not take a break from the investigation to loudly sing all the lines of a Big Sean poem.”Dance (a$$)“.
25. Many fans of the show are wondering what happened to the lover X-Files Mainstay Peggy Little, Skinner’s long-suffering secretary. I’m kidding. In fact, no one questions this, because there is no such character.
26. “Did you see this, Mulder?” Scully doesn’t even whisper while pressing play on the latest YouTube video about a funny octopus. “This octopus scary I.”
27. if Scully’s dating a doll – I say if Here – and if That Muppet is the dentist, their third date is not at the International Aikido Tournament.
28. Alfred Hitchcock is not directing any episodes (Alfred Hitchcock is dead).
29. No one, including Luther Lee Boggs, the serial killer who terrorized Scully in the classic episode “Beyond the Sea,” offers Scully some trays as a gift.
30. Book Club Mulder doesn’t read The Time Traveler’s Wife – Or if that happens, Mulder doesn’t finish the novel.
31. Did you know that Grantland has interns? We do it, and they do a great job. hi guys! Not cool enough for any of them to show up X-Files.
32. Likewise, Your Mother is not played by former FBI Special Agent Dana Scully, the series’ co-star. Unless your mother is Gillian Anderson… in which case, I wouldn’t give up anything but you may Want to hear the first show?
33. “Uber, but for extraterrestrial invasions,” Mulder chirped, biting his fist in embarrassment.
34. Literally zero subplots include a mission to find a new tour bus for her Stephen Malkmus and the Geeks.
35. The following exchange does not take place at all:
MULDER: We’re here in Las Vegas, Scully.
SCULLY: Ha-ha-ha looks like Vancouver, though?
MULDER: No, Scully, this is Las Vegas, Nevada, where we stayed to solve the X-File.
SCULLY: I’m just saying, are there supposed to be tall pines in Las Vegas?
MULDER: Scully!
Scully: It’s just that I don’t usually think of “the silent majesty of the forest” when I think of Vegas.
MULDER: Why do you always mess it up, Scully?
36. Mulder never presents himself as “Fox Mulder, the inherent interpreter of beings and their ways.”
37. Seventeen minutes of the third episode of the new series are devoted to still shots of the staircase corridor at Target.
38. The well-manicured man doesn’t introduce his two new co-conspirators, ordering expensive basketball sneakers on eBay Man and Josh, who is still in Normcore.
39. No one swims 1,100 miles in freezing water just to punch a whale. That’s not what this show is about.
40. The following exchange does not occur either:
SCULLY: Well, Mulder, it doesn’t take a semanticist to see that the fundamental tension in progressive online discourse is that its commitment to the sanctity of individual personhood involves placing increasing emphasis on all the ways in which that sanctity can be achieved. The problem is that we live in a moment in which a heightened sense of one’s worth threatens to produce a heightened sense of one’s fundamental vulnerability.
Mulder: I hate to disagree with you, Scully, but the problem is the magic tarantula.
41. Mulder does not conclude a long reading of his memoirs by saying, “And this, my friends, is how I first signed on to Remodelista.”
42. Mulder and Scully don’t interrupt sex in order to raise a high five after someone drops an “Ah, now the truth is in” joke.
43. Mulder and Scully don’t spend three hours chatting about whether “Balerion the Black Dread” is a great name for a dragon, a very corny name for a dragon, or some weird kind of both.
44. Deep Throat’s reanimated corpse doesn’t say, “Friends, I have a passion for one thing and one thing only, and that thing is AM Crunchwraps.”
45. In Antarctica, where they finally discover the secret military facility where alien genome-spliced cinnamon is being harvested—a cinnamon that cannot be handled for more than a few seconds without causing the death of non-mutant or “superior” humans—Mulder and Scully realize with increasing despair that the world is doomed. In the yard because they had no way to carry the cinnamon to the lab where it could be destroyed, because Scully was going to pick up some new trays but, oops, apparently someone forgot.
46. Mulder neither auditioned nor won for the role of Mrs. Fairfax in the community theater film. Jane Eyre.
47. “It was a vivid night on Phobos, and the damned trees were foaming in the starlight,” is not how Walter Skinner’s Kickstarter novel begins.
48. Samantha Mulder doesn’t come back from a longer-than-expected trip to the store and say, “Wait, I thought I was… What?”
49. “I will change the name to Area 52,” the First Sheik dismisses the statement, adding: “It is time to raise the bar of this space business to a higher level.”
50. The plot doesn’t make sense.
