IYou love someone, and learn how to fight with them. This is the best advice Krystal Mazzola Wood, which is a licensed marriage processor in Phoenix, gives the husbands you work with. “It makes all the difference in the world,” she says. “Most of us do not have skills to communicate well when we feel tired or unknown, because we literally go to the fighting or flying mode. We have to practice actively how to communicate well during the conflict to protect and enhance the relationship.”
This includes a handful of phrases in your back pocket for publication when things are heated. We asked experts what he says during your next battle with your partner – and how it might help you find your way to each other.
“You are right in ___.”
Couples often fall into the Mazzola Wood office because when they argue, they stumble on who is right and who is wrong. It tends to focus in particular on “realizing themselves as correct,” she says. “This makes the other person feel completely unknown and invisible, which encourages them to obtain defense and controversy.” There is a better way: instead of rowing on how to prove your point of view, draw attention to something your partner said you are agreeing to. This will help spread tension and mention both of you in the same team, she says.
“I’m sorry for ___.”
An apology for your role in an argument – which does not mean to bear all the blame – is an abbreviation of a peaceful decision. “When someone hears an apology, it automatically relieves,” says Mazola Wood. “I always think about giving the love we want to receive.” Be specific (real) about what you apologize for, and she is urging, looking at your partner in the eye and speaking from the heart. Do not try to justify your behavior or reduce your partner’s feelings or guilt. It is also good to stay away from almost tests, such as “I am sorry because you feel this way” or “I am sorry, but” this is more attack than saying anything at all.
Read more: 8 ways to apologize well
“I hear you say ___. Do you understand this right?”
This is an effective way to convert the conversation from confrontation and defense to communication and understanding – while helping to prevent misunderstanding. “It allows your partner to know that you are not only waiting for your chance to respond,” says Molly Borits, couples therapy specialist and assistant professor in the Family Treatment and Treatment Department at the University of Southern California. “You are interested in hearing and understanding their point of view, which creates a safe space for weakness.” If your partner feels that you are really listening to them, they will be unlikely to continue in the argument, and add – and you will return to good conditions at any time.
“What I need is ___.”
When you are specific to non -negotiation, you move towards solving the problem, rather than quarrels around who blames. This may mean clarifying that you expect the other important from the garbage every night or help in cleaning after dinner. “I often see people expect their partner to read their opinion and fill in resentment,” says Mazola Wood. “They say things like,” you should just know that the dishes need to wash them – we live in the same house. “This may be true, but providing constructive reactions about what will help you feel support, is likely to lead to a desirable result instead of reprimanding others (or staying silent and I hope they change).
“I am not against you – we are against this problem.”
Stephen Cesimore, a psychiatrist in the Houston region, recommends reformulating conflicts as a joint challenge, rather than a battle between two opposition sides. “It strengthens cooperation, reduces blame and helps husbands to shift towards solving problems together,” he says. Sizemore, a smart way to build healthy communication patterns and conflict management with sympathy.
“I think we should take a break and return in 10 minutes.”
When you are in disagreement with someone you love, you may not think clearly, and you may tend to escape. “There are people who leave the house and do not return for hours, and they do not tell their partner where they are,” says Mazola Wood. Or multiply, like, “we will replace this nowAlthough anyone is not in the head space to do so. ”
Read more: 14 things you say to “I love you”
She says that a better approach is to take a short break and agree on a time when you will return to the conversation. This can help reduce anxiety without a feeling of abandonment. “When you take this break, it is extremely important to violate yourself,” adds Mazzola Wood-may contemplate or warm shower-“and don’t focus on why you are right.”
“Thank you for listening.”
The realization of your partner’s efforts to reach the presence and understanding during the fighting will help you feel that you are on the same page again. Research indicates This is for each negative reaction during the conflict, and the stable and stable husbands have at least five positive reactions during this dispute. “This may be a nice sign, or keep your body language open, or comments like” Thank you for listening “because you confirm your partner and give them a positive reinforcement,” she says. “We all want to see and hear our partner and do not feel appreciated.”
“Back to the right path with you is my priority.”
Many problems will continue during the relationship. If you are introverted and your partner is open, for example, you are likely to continue to pay attention to concerns about different social needs. This means that you need to develop skills to negotiate these types of conflicts in an ongoing way, says Mazzola Wood. Explain to your loved ones that your relationship is priority, rather than attaching it to any one result. She says, “Mention your partner that you are in the same team and you are committed to returning to the right track.” “It restores to you a reserve of air from everything he feels very scary.”
I wonder what to say in a difficult social situation? Email Timtotalk@time.com
