Question I got married 18 years ago from a man I consider now difficult. Over the past few years, I realized that he had serious problems, especially the severe obsessive -compulsive disorder that he barely left. He refuses to help, pointing to fears that may affect future immigration plans, although they are unable to leave the house. I spent years trying to support him and help him recover.
He is stubborn, proud, and a year ago he insisted on immigration, believing that he would solve his problems. I resisted, for fear of instability with young children and its unnamed issues. His failure to create a concrete plan to leave immigration is constant tension in our lives. He accuses me of being more than risk, while I feel that I cannot trust him.
His dreams take priority, leaving practical concerns are ignored. We need a larger house, but he refuses to think about moving or improving our current home, and rejecting it as trivial compared to its aspirations. I am the main breadwinner while continuing entrepreneurship efforts that bring stress, but there is no financial stability. The consultation helped us focus on our relationship for a short period, but it soon returned to making everything about migration.
It was unprofessional during my mother’s final illness and death. I feel besieged, sought, widespread, and back. I have stayed for children, but even this cannot be defended now. Divorce It seems inevitable, but I am afraid of its influence on my children. Can it be saved, or is it time to recognize defeat? I can barely look at it.
Filipa’s answer You find yourself besieged in a life that has become unbearable, but let’s stop before we hurry to conclusions. I can see two different ways to consider your situation. The first track is that your husband is not a monster. Difficult, yes. Stubborn, undoubtedly. But it is not sincere or uncommon. It is a good father, although his emotional borders may have left you with burdens you did not expect and no longer want. It is connected with non -practical dreams, however, its human and normal faults are unforgettable. Life is rarely an ideal image. It is messy and full of settlement. You may be angry because you feel as if you were at risk a lot? But can you look at the remainder and find value in it?
Staying is not a surrender to misery. It is accepting a deficiency as a condition for life. Perhaps you can back away from the severity of discontent and see your husband is not like a mill stone, but as another defective person who tries to understand life. I have shown advice to glimpses about what may be possible when focusing on your connection. This path is asking you to forgive, unforgettable, but rather to forgive in a way that free you from bitterness. This means living without measuring the shortcomings against your sacrifices. This means choosing to embrace the life you have, incomplete as it might be, and finding new ways to form it. Can you focus on the same relationship, on the parts that are still working? Can you find the courage to give up old grievances and deal with it with a new curiosity, a new openness?
The second way is to contact you loudly. This path says: Life is short and you deserve more than this. You cannot, and you should not feel persecuted in your home. It seems that you need more physically and psychologically. This is not a small complaint. This is a crisis. The departure is to choose yourself. It is to honor the part that is tired of his rejection and ignorance and considered it a foreground. The dreams of your husband are mysterious and unanimously and focus on them completely.
Freedom is terrifying, yes, but it is also cheerful. Imagine a life where your choices are, as your home is not defined by the weight of his mood or the shadow of its dreams. Imagine a space to re -discover who you are if you are not running this situation constantly? This is not selfish. It is alive.
The departure will not be easy, but it will be honest. Honest in the copy of yourself that you feel panic, panic and resentment. Sincerely, the part that cannot continue to pretend nails, feels marrying one side. It will be a jump in the event of uncertainty, but it may bring you closer to the life you want.
There is no one answer here. Any option requires courage. Two other things you can think of to help you make this decision: First, think about the emotional losses that his behavior has taken, will this emotional strain reduce divorce, or intensify with new challenges? Secondly, consider whether to stay with the uninterrupted tension puts pressure on children. Will their emotional well -being improve or increase, if their parents live separately?
All you decide, adhere to it. Often the commitment makes any right option.
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Every week, Philippa Perry treats a personal problem that the reader has sent. If you want to advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. The presentations are subject to us Conditions and terms
