How sorry are you? Why learning to apologise well could save your relationships | Psychology

Zot something to say sorry for? Here are words that have no place in your apologies, according to those who spent years in analyzing: “You were not my intention.” “What I meant was.” “Sorry, he was misunderstood.” Any use of the word “clear”.

Margori Ingan and Suzan McCarthy called “Bad Pingo”. They heard many of them as participating authors Sorry, sorry, sorry: the issue for a good apology And the blog SorryThey criticize the general apologies. “We have searched in many studies, from many different fields, making an effective apology,” says Ingal.

After more than 10 years of Workwatch, they also saw very bad apologies as they guarantee their apologies. “Sorry,”, “Sorry but”, sorry I forgot that you do not really enjoy the spirit of humor about it. “

At its best, an apology can not only fix relationships, but also make them more flexible. The problem is that it is difficult to do – or at least to do a good job. Not only can a single word not studied or not in its place can fail to secure forgiveness, but also make the situation worse.

How can you say sorry, and you say that you really mean it – and why do we find it very difficult?

“In general, we want to feel satisfied with ourselves, and people have to think positively from us,” says Kareena Shoman, a professor participating in Petsburg University, who has been widely studied.

By taking responsibility for harming the feelings of a person, or tampering with work, we threaten our image of ourselves as ethical or specialized. “We really have difficulty linking ourselves to this illegal actions,” says Shoman.

What increases the complexity of matters is the fact that blame is rarely clear, even when we accept that we are at least to some extent. “It may be really difficult to say,” Yes, I am responsible “when I also see you – or the situation – is responsible.”

You can refer to these reduced conditions in your apology, as Shoman says – it should “must be done really carefully.”

Often people who were oppressed are struggling to understand why: “Why did this person do this to me? Is this because they do not appreciate our relationship? Did they try to harm me?”

This ambiguity can double feelings and create greater ups. Giving the context in an apology – about your logic, for example, or emotional state – can help prevent misunderstanding, according to Luoman. “But you still need to accept the responsibility of damage and the consequences.”

Various studies have set a certain number of steps to an effective apology, from Five steps to seven. The Shoman frame contains eight, although it thinks about it as elements that you can get, depending on the position and the special misdemeanor, from the steps you should follow. “I will never recommend passing as the review list,” she says.

Sometimes, the recognition of the damage caused by the most urgent part of your apology will be; At other times, the focus will be on reforming the relationship. “It will be really important for this person to feel that you are committed not to act in this way again, and that this was a one -time mistake,” says Shoman.

One of the basic step that is overlooked is often in reality the phrase “I am sorry” or “I apologize”.

“They need to hear this strong clear sign,” says Shoman. “If this is missing, you can say all the rest, and some people may not record this as an apology.”

On an equal footing, she continues: “There are some words that immediately undermine the value of the apology.” One is “but”. “People hear defense, instead of accountability.”

Even if you have points out of your chest, it may be better to stop until you are in full swing. “We have a tendency to want to apologize for this immediate repair,” says Shoman. “What they should be a signal of a wider process of compensation, and the commitment to restore the relationship.”

“But this is not necessary to be clear,” says Shoman. “What is really important with these promises is to act better is that you have to support them and live with what you say. If you do not think you can, do not say these words, because they will end with the opposite results.”

Saying more (instead of obstructing) can help your apology in showing awareness of the influence on the other person. “You must determine what you are sorry for, and show that you understand the reason for its influence,” says Ingal.

In addition to showing sympathy and self -meditation, this gives the other person an opportunity to clarify. Regardless of what they say, it is important to listen, as Anjle says. “The thing that people want more is to hear and understand … the apology is not about you; it is related to the recipient.”

Ingal adds that providing compensation can help connect your denial yourself – and can take these many forms, such as flowers. After she and her husband fights, working to work in jobs all over the house or take more cooking. “He is not great with words – but he does service work,” says Ingal.

Research indicates that your apology may be already more convincing if you see that he is making an effort – but this can go beyond gifts and household chores. study I found that people see an apology using longer words (but still common and easy to understand) as more honest.

Sherry Lev Ari, author of the paper, says he is receiving as closer to investment time or money in amendment. “If a person disturbs himself for an apology, you can say:” Well, then this means that. “

It seems that we intuitively understand this reflects our attention to the movement in this accurate social dynamics, Lev Arry says: As much as we may deal with an apology, much of what makes it effective (or not) is not announced and even the subconscious. “Without realizing, we also choose words because of their forms, such as the time it takes, and not just what it means.”

The division of gender is less important than you may think. according to Shoman searchWomen are more apologized than men do, but this is not because they are more prepared or capable.

It instead reflects the difference in perception. Shoman found that men had only higher doorstep for women when it is a crime worthy of apologizing. When this threshold is met, “they are ready.”

This differs from the stereotype that men prevent by the ego from apologizing, even when they know that they are wrong, Shoman notes. For one studyI asked (straight, married or coexist) from husbands to maintain daily notes from the crimes they deserve to be committed or committed against them. Accounts aligned only 35 % of time.

“He really talks about the need to communicate,” says Shoman. “Most of the time we harm each other, not from the malicious intention.”

One way to make your apology is more effective to show a real effort to understand the perspective of the other person. Instead of assuming that you know how to feel, Shoman says, ask questions. “Open space to get to know each other.”

All experts agree to apologize can be painful even from the most apologized and sympathetic person. It does not help us often see it as well.

Most public apologies tend to be about public relations instead of real remorse. Leaders are actually taught a deviation of responsibility. Although parents may fight in front of their children, they often compensate for individually.

When Esall and McCarthy began writing Sorywatch, in 2012, their focus was on ridicule Failure to apologize. The project has become more civilian after Trump. “We wanted to show that the apology is in fact a power.”

Incal says that a good apology, after all, requires weakness: it is a recognition that we have failed to upgrade according to our criteria and joint. But it is also a tool by which we can fix, strengthen bonds and show how care they mean to us.

“Do you have to apologize if you are not sorry? Sometimes – if you appreciate the relationship more than it is right.”