AA recent college graduate in a new city, Samantha Elliott thought she would be alone. Instead, she found companionship in an unexpected place: with herself. Ironically, this helped expand her community.
“Being alone has a negative connotation, as if it’s punishment, but you learn how to be your own friend,” says Elliott, 24. And dinner alone – often meeting other people in the process. “It’s like I had this little secret with myself, this experience that was meant just for me,” she says. “Nobody knows it was a really beautiful and profound time.”
Taking time to go places and do things on your own can make a difference, says Jessica Jade, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist and solo traveler. She encourages many of her clients to feel more comfortable with solitude as a means of self-care and self-exploration, and helps them overcome their fears about venturing out on their own. The potential benefits are wide-ranging: Whether you’re taking yourself across the world or to a coffee shop on the other side of town, “you’re getting out of your comfort zone,” she says. “This increases your ability to face other challenges in your daily life.”
In the middle of that Loneliness epidemicIt may seem counterintuitive to set aside some time alone. But as long as you also have a strong social network, Research indicates Quality alone time promotes happiness, reduces stress, and improves life satisfaction. It can even make you More productive and creative. Plus, when you’re alone, you can connect with yourself In a way you can’t do when you’re surrounded by other opinions and ideas. “You have this isolated time to tune out the noise and influences of other people,” says Jade.
With that in mind, we asked the experts how to master the art of spending time alone.
Start with a low-risk outing
Gaddy suggests writing down what you want to do with yourself, ranked from most terrifying activity to least. Traveling internationally or attending a concert might be number 10, for example, while going to the park might be number three. Then think of ways to make the easiest ones less nerve-wracking. “Maybe it’s driving close to the park to get an idea of what route you’re going to take and where you’re going to walk, and to get comfortable with the environment,” she says. The next step might be a short walk on your own.
When you coach clients through this exercise, “they usually come back and say, ‘Oh, that wasn’t so bad after all,'” says Gadi—which means it’s time to take your list to the next challenge.
Do your homework beforehand
Once you decide to go out on your own, search online to know exactly where to go. Look for places nearby that are, for example, great for dining alone; Many restaurants have comfortable window seating that is ideal for individual meals (rather than sitting in a place with a lot of movement, such as the middle of the dining room). “Sitting at the bar is always nice because you’re side by side with people, but you’re still having your own meal or drink,” Elliott says.
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You can also read reviews of other places that cater to individual activities, such as museums, art galleries, farmers markets, and spas. The more excited you are about what lies ahead, the more likely you are to have a good time.
Bring a distraction – at first
When you start going places alone, it can be helpful to have something to focus on, such as a book or magazine. “You’re giving yourself something to ground you and remind you of who you are, even when you’re not around other people,” says Sana Hoxha, a physical therapist in Houston who focuses on teaching clients mind-body techniques. Breathing.
Keeping your headphones on and listening to your favorite podcast or audiobook can serve the same purpose. Eventually, as you feel more comfortable, you’ll likely feel able to put away whatever you’ve been busying yourself with and engage more directly with your surroundings — but in the early days, distractions provide a welcome sense of solace.
Indulge in moments of connection
In Solo Adventures, Elliot tells herself that although she may have arrived alone, she is not there alone. She is surrounded by potential friends. This shift in mindset has helped her meet a lot of interesting people.
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Her going to the icebreaker when she goes somewhere is to admit that she’s nervous about being there alone, but she can’t resist the pretty decor; Or she might ask what the person sitting next to her recommends on the menu. “It’s become less about being a loner and more about, ‘I’m doing this thing to look for relationships outside of the people who are already in my circle,'” she says.
If you feel embarrassed, remind yourself why.
Gaddy’s clients are often skeptical about going places alone because they don’t want others to assume they’re lonely or friendless. Won’t everyone stare at that stranger demanding a table for one? Maybe not. This type of thinking is an example of a cognitive bias called Highlight effect. “We tend to think that people care about us more than they actually do,” Jade says. In fact, no one is likely to notice or care who you are with or what you are doing; They are too focused on themselves.
Pay attention to your “why” – the reason why you are trying to feel more comfortable with being your own company. “If your goal is to travel out of state or country on your own, remind yourself that this is a step toward that goal,” she says. You can also practice mindfulness techniques, such as taking some deep breaths or visualization. She adds: Something peaceful.
Learn from thinking
When Gaddy’s clients return after solo outings, she asks them to walk her through the experience: What kind of initial butterflies did they have? “What narratives helped them enter the restaurant, sit down, and eat dinner?” She says. “What were those gentle reminders that prompted them to do that? Because we can transfer that to other scenarios.”
In the future, when you board a plane alone or stand alone in line to get to the concert venue, you’ll be able to replay those encouraging messages to keep your nerves straight.
Celebrate your achievements
Next time you venture out alone, reframe it as taking yourself on a date. Hoxha suggests that when you get home, spend a few minutes celebrating the experience. Maybe that means journaling or posting a selfie on Instagram. Give yourself praise for stepping out of your comfort zone, even if it was difficult or if things didn’t go exactly as planned. “This way, you can associate doing something on your own with celebration,” she adds, which will boost your efforts in the future.
Remember: Spending time alone does not mean you are lonely
One of the biggest misconceptions Danny Stewart hears about enjoying solitude is that it means you’re alone. He grew up in a large family – he is one of five siblings – and always looked forward to his birthday, the one day of the year when he could choose where his family ate and what they did. “It was nice to be selfish for a day,” says Stewart, 27, who lives in Mokena, Illinois.
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As an adult, he enjoys time alone when he can choose exactly what to do, and regularly goes to concerts, movies, baseball games, and conventions by himself. But this does not mean that he will choose to spend time alone instead of spending time with his friends and family. “Life is still a team game,” he says. “People give me strength, and spending time with my loved ones is my favorite thing in the world.” At the same time, spending time alone is part of my story as well.”
He believes his solo adventures are his personal lore, something he will look back on and smile about years from now. “Spending time alone makes me appreciate those moments with my friends and family more, and spending time with all my loved ones all the time makes me appreciate the time I spend alone more,” he says.
