IIt is difficult to think about four more arrogant words – and anger – “I told you that.”
“It seems that you are pleased with the calamity of the other person,” says Jordan Konrad, founder and clinical director at Madison Park Psychotherapy in New York. “It is equivalent to say” I will never be in your situation because I am more intelligent than you, or “if you just let me run your life for you, you will be better off.” These are unpleasant messages to send. “
However, sometimes, it is useful to lead the idea that a little eyesight could have predicted the result – albeit in a nice and more effective way. First, though, think about your relationship with the person and what you are trying to get out of the interaction, Conrad recommends: Is it just strengthening your ego and expelling them? Or do you really think it is an educational opportunity that can make them happier and more successful in the future? If you are working alongside someone who can benefit from thinking about making decisions, for example, you may provide a service by doing a nice conversation. The same applies to adolescents – but only if they are accepted, warn.
We have asked experts their favorite alternatives to tell someone who told him that.
“I was worried that it might come out this way. I’m sorry because it’s action.”
This frame shows that the situation could have been another way – while allowing the other person to save the face. Dana Kasperson, a conflict participation specialist and book author says books Change conversation: The 17 principles of conflict solution. “We are not step -up, and all our actions are somewhat experiments.” It recommends adding: “I gave her a snapshot, and now we know.” This indicates the appreciation of your friend’s efforts while keeping the door open for better results in the future.
“I remember we are discussing this possibility – let’s get to know what we can learn from.”
Maleka Shaw, a licensed clinical social worker, says, NJ Plus, says it converts to focus into problem solving instead of blame. “We can look at it as an opportunity to grow on both sides,” she says. If you are returning to “I told you that”, for example, you may not have been completely clear about what you expected – and take responsibility for that will help you avoid similar Snafus in the future.
“What prompted you to go in a different direction?”
Replace your mind from the desire to confirm that you are curious about the other person. I remember you remember to discuss this delicate result, and ask the other person about the reason they go in another direction – or what they want to do differently the next time. “Be curious, wondering,” says Farah Palala, founder and CEO of Farsight, a consulting agency working to bridge the communication gaps within the organizations. “You can give them a safe place to admit something that has disturbed, creating an educational opportunity and growth that can turn their process forward.”
“Do you want to help me in such situations?”
Conrad says that the most difficult person with these types of conversations with your teenager. Instead of hitting them immediately “I told you that” – until a light version – if they want to help you when similar scenarios arise in the future. “This mainly measures their comfort with being more than an audio painting,” he says. If they want to help, you can say: “There are some things that I think I can help you avoid, but it is up to you what you choose to do – like the time I suggested, and it seems that it would have helped.”
“Is there a way I can talk to you in the future that will make my suggestions easier to hear?
If you suffer from a serious heart from heart to heart, for example, your child or husband, use this suggestion from Conrad to demand a discussion on how to communicate better in the future. Gently remember that the unfortunate result could have been avoided, and ask your loved ones if they wanted to help you in similar situations. Then talk about ways to make your advice feel more restored, especially for someone who appreciates his own options. He added, “Keep in mind that people close to you make mistakes, and you should allow them.”
“I think the crystal ball was working when we originally discussed this.”
Sometimes, it helps add levity to conversation – but only if you are talking to someone you know can see humor in his mistakes. “You have to know the person, and know who will take it as a joke,” says Show. If you pulled this line on a real blow, and does not extend well? Do not say that we did not tell you that.
I wonder what to say in a difficult social situation? Email Timtotalk@time.com
