You can do one of the three things with your pain: running from it (denial, division), drowning in it (cavity) or making friends with it. The formation of friendships with your pain means allowing her to sit next to you, and start a conversation with her. This inner dialogue may seem like:
You: Welcome, my old friend. I remember your interview at the airport for nearly 60 years. I came in my life, but I pushed you away. I thought I could get rid of you by plowing forward, creating a more stable family than the family I have and excel in my career. But I am tired of running from you. So sit with me. Maybe I can learn something from you after all?
Your pain: Perhaps I can help you see that your father’s behavior was not a reflection of the merit of love, but instead of his inability to love correctly. This should be very difficult at the age of 8. You deserve to have a present father. And while you were hoping to be able to control your anger with your children, I can see how anyone with your background can struggle this way. I hope to show yourself some sympathy and think that exploring this now gives you the opportunity to communicate with yourself and others differently. I am not here to harm you – I am here to help you move forward.
The engagement in this type of dialogue and the recognition of the context in which you lost your nerves will help you feel ashamed and take action. This procedure may include working with the processor to make the meaning of your childhood through the lens of adults, and gain tools for self -regulation in your relationships and work through your sadness about your childhood and child.
You can also start a dialogue with your children – not to search for their remission, but to make an honest apology and an invitation to learn how you can be there for them. You can start with something like:
I want to talk to you about an important thing. I now realize that during your childhood, I responded to the situations angry that was not proportional and painful. The accident that occurred with $ 10 – and other moments like it – was not really wrong, but about the pain and concerns that were not resolved, and that I work in. I am very sorry that I did not get to know this earlier, and I apologize for the times that made you feel afraid, small, criticism, or not. I do not ask anything from you, but the opposite – if I can be there for you, as a father you need now, or can help heal something between us, this will be my maximum priority.
I don’t know how your current relationships are similar to your children, or what they will do with this. But the point is less about their response and more than that about turning regret from the source of torment to a new opportunity to be the best possible father for them, in any way they feel comfortable, and also the best father you did not receive on yourself. The most deep recovery comes from admitting that we have not been defined in our worst moments, but through our ability to learn, grow and reform.
Want to ask the processor? If you have a question, send an email Askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting inquiries, you agree on Conditions for presenting the reader. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
