Stephanie Lopez revolves around her husband’s good characteristics. She said he is a man with a personality, kindness and integrity. He is a loving father and treats her with respect.
But is it her best friend?
“no!” Mrs. Lopez, 43, said on the large island of Hawaii.
“I do not have sex with my friends,” she explained. “I don’t pay bills with my friends. And I guarantee you, if I do so, it will change the dynamics of the full relationship.”
The belief that your partner should be your best friend, either place, either Social media Or in the greeting card corridor. “It is not customary to search for a romantic partner who fulfills more than one of the role of the participating husband or father or lover.
“We want someone who sees us and gets us,” said Dr. Solomon. “Well, this is the same thing we want in our friendships. We really check the same feeling of rapprochement and admiration.”
But is it unreasonable to expect your colleague in bed to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of intimate relationship?
The role of the changing husband constantly
Jennifer Santiago, 42, and her husband is the best friends.
The couple, who started dating in high school, has been separated for a short period over the years, which led to some time to get to know themselves and what they want from life. Mrs. Santiago, who lives in Orlando, said their basic friendship brought them every time.
She said, “There was always an empty vacuum when we took a break.” They realized: “Wow, we really do everything together!”
Historically, this is a relatively new approach to romantic relationships, said Elie J. Venkel, a social psychologist and author of the book “All marriage or nothing: How the best marriages work.”
Until the mid-nineteenth century, marriage in the United States is often revolving around a guarantee of meeting their basic needs (such as food and shelter)-what Dr. Venkel calls “a pragmatic era”. Between 1850 and 1965, the marriage entered the “era of love”-where the functions of the basic relationship revolve around love and companionship. Since then, we have been in the era of “self-expression”-where marriage does not revolve not only love, but also personal growth.
“The marital relationship has taken more and more responsibility for our social and psychological needs,” said Dr. Venkel.
How to put realistic expectations
Is it good or bad for many people to expect now that their romantic relationships will meet many roles in their lives? “Love is actually love,” said Dr. Venkel, who is also involved in hosting podcasts.
He feels “pleased” to people who say they want their romantic partners to be their best friends. But he suggests that they think: Are there other expectations that they can abandon? For example, he said, it is expected that your partner will be the co -executive director of the family, to divide the child’s care, to be your exclusive sexual companion and To be your best friend.
“I don’t want to look like I am a ward.” “I just want people to realize that every additional expectation that you throw it at the top of your relationship comes with an opportunity for augmented rapprochement – and it comes with an additional danger that the relationship will link under the weight of those expectations.”
I suggest launch some of this pressure. Can you count on other friends to get emotional support? Do you agree to be close to your partner, but not necessarily have the most intimate life together?
Dr. Solomon believes that friendship, especially the best friendship, is not necessary for the long -term intimate relationship. She said this does not harm either.
She said that the admiration of your partner – whom you described as admiration, find them funny, care for their view of the world, and enjoy their existence together – can “expand” the challenges of the other relationship that the couple may face.
But Dr. Suleiman admitted that while her 26 -year -old husband loves her, he is not her best friend. She said: “The name of my best friend is Ali, and she lives in Seattle.” “It has been in this place since we were ten years old.”
Adam Fischer, head of the American Association of Sponsors and Family Psychology, said that preserving a narrow romantic bond may return to managing expectations and discussing them clearly.
Dr. Fischer had a teacher describing marriage and relationships as the best friendship in addition to sex. He said that although he believes this is a “very applicable” approach in the relationship, this is not the only one.
“Couples need a kind of“ glue ” – commitment, common values, sex and financial – SomethingHe said, but it is not necessary to be a friendship.
Mrs. Lopez concludes from the bedlist as BFF.
“I think we have put a lot of expectations and responsibilities on our partners,” she said. “I am not here to be everything and everything for you.”
