Question A scapegoat grew in a poisonous family, where my mother played her children against each other. I did not call her A few years ago and maintained my interaction with my brothers to a minimum.
I am now the absolute mother of four adults, and they all live away from home. I have a male relative, with his partner, I became close to two of my children. Initially I welcomed this, But it comes increasing at a cost of some cost. He was close to expressing his amazement The person who is such chaos (apparently) could have raised such wonderful children. By doing this, they try to cause a dispute between me and children. They have also become very friendly with my ex -husbandAlthough the latter has never been interested in cultivating any relationship with them until I finished the marriage.
I called my relative behavior His response was to tell me how the harm of his feelings, the extent of his anger, and how much he defended me Over the years. Now he sought to convert my children against me by telling them They wrapped the facts. It seems that the ripples of non -contact with my mother reach the wider family. Is it imperative that I protect myself, I am always convicted to occupy the outcast position?
Filipa’s answer The experiences that you describe, feel a feeling of redemption, carry a chaotic, messy atmosphere, then take steps to protect yourself, show you to be a person invested in creating a safer and healthy environment for itself. However, there is an important question guaranteed in your message that may not have been consciously expressed: What might mean, in some way, contribute to the patterns you want to escape from?
This does not mean to blame, but to explore whether the roles that you feel are imposed on you, sometimes, make your behavior and interpretations at times. In other words, when we live as a “scapegoat”, we may absorb this position to the extent that neutral or mysterious reactions feel like a confirmation of them.
The painful comment you mentioned from your relative, about being a “chaos”, is understandablely sad and appears to be allergic. It makes sense that you may feel undermining and excluding when this person seems to deepen relationships with your children and your ex -husband. However, the defensive response to relatives provokes the possibility that, too, feels misunderstanding and misunderstanding. Could this dynamic be less than calculated malice and more than an interlocking network of expectations, grievances and unparalleled needs on both sides?
You may feel near your relative with your children and former husband as if it is a threat to your central role in your family, but can there be value in thinking about how to compensate this relationship with your children? Can there be a way to see their relationship as a source of enrichment for them instead of decreasing your place in their lives? This does not mean tolerance with discomfort, but it may open a space for a different explanation for the concerned motives. Is there a room for a more exploratory dialogue – instead of confrontation -? Instead of calling each other, will it not be better to explore intentions, motives and feelings? It aims not to win or lose an argument, but look for a deeper understanding of each other.
I wonder whether the broader themes of this family story are restarted in hidden ways: a sense of exit, excavation against others, or they are represented. These dynamics may be familiar but not inevitable. How does it seem to reformulate this novel, to experience the movement outside the role of “Pariah”, not by cutting the connection but by exploring whether your position can develop within the family?
These are not easy questions, and do not come with guarantees. However, they may provide a substitute for the blatant choice of permanent harmful styles or completely cut ties. A recovery of the relationship of relationship often includes re -examining the methods we are attached to others, including our interpretations of the behavior of others and our reactions. It is a tender process, but it may allow communication without self -sacrifice.
We often do not secrete ties of dynamics, but it simply restores how they appear. Sometimes, when ties are cut off without a deeper solution, the basic energy continues and finds new ways to appear, as in your difficulties. It is not uncommon to take over the tensions that were not resolved with a part of the family system elsewhere.
If you want to try treatment to help you solve these problems, I recommend a family systems processor or a constellation processor.
The book you want from every person you love to read (and perhaps a little do not do) is published by Philippa Perry by CornersTone. Purchase it for 9.89 pounds in Guardianbookshop.com
Every week, Philippa Perry treats a personal problem that the reader has sent. If you want to advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. The presentations are subject to us Conditions and terms
