My friend is unreasonable with his four-year-old. How can I help him be a better dad? | Parents and parenting

My dear friend has turned into a horrific father. He worries anxiety, and admits that he is addicted to alcohol, in relation to comfort with his child’s mother after he decided, whether by one or mutual, that they cannot solve their differences, and it seems that he only notice the bad about his four -year -old son. His expectations for his son’s behavior are unreasonable and his comments, in front of his son, almost negative.

I tried to talk to him about getting a cure for his anxiety, which he did not do. He lives with his partner because he built a narration that he could not bear this, although he is now communicating through a joint calendar.

The lack of sleep and nature of paternity and motherhood is not allowed to have the time of isolation and healing that he always relied on to manage his anxiety (other than its treatment and non -wig). He feels besieged, and both his mental health and his children have suffered as a result. It is not clear that he took any positive or fruitful steps to improve the situation, which worsened during the past year. Now I feel angry and very disappointed how he behaves towards his beautiful son. How can I help him?

Eleanor says: It seems that your friend in this space knows that there is a problem but for some reason it does not change it. What is missing is not knowledge but sharing.

If I hear you properly, he will not be surprised by what I said: His anxiety extends to how he dealt with his son, in the long run it may be happier than the common father. This can be a very influential place to stumbling: in the sense of what we know that things are severe, but that becomes part of the background of the walls, we go to the lameness.

What usually stands in the way of engaging with well -known problems? Perhaps there is a feeling of bad things. He may know that he is drinking too much and he is sharp with his child, but he does not know if he is strange. Perhaps, as much as he knows, the lives of many people look like this.

Or you may think the problem will pass over time. Perhaps “it was just a small little period.” Perhaps some time, the imagined time is just around the corner when things settled on their own. “It is only now” is a strong trap.

Or maybe he does not know how to change it. Sometimes, it may be very difficult to admit the place that life took to the point that we are connecting our ear and going “La-La-La” about the problem. Perhaps he could not face the complete impact of his transmission from where he was hoping to be.

Until (or you) knows what stands in the way of disposing of the problems he already knows, the fresh reminders – “I mean my son”, “I do not deal with my anxiety” – will not join the problem in the actual question. The question is: Why don’t you know these problems enough to change them?

I don’t know if you should try again to say something directly. It seems that you tried to talk about his anxiety, but he was rejected. These types of conversations come at a large social cost – no one likes to feel the ruling. But I think so if You say something, you must say really. It is easy to search for ways to photograph someone; We hope that the individual observation here or the eyebrow that has been raised there will face the message in one way or another, while allowing us to pretend that we did not send it. We believe that we can raise the problem without paying the social cost. This is false hope. It is quite annoying that you have a mini criticism of distillation as much as they make them sit and tell your opinion. If you will pay the cost in both cases, you can also do this in a way that requires a response – such as questions that require answers – not only with small signals that you hope will be decoded.

If you decide not to say anything directly, it may be another strategy to help the boy (and even his mother). A common overview, routine activity, a safe place for biscuits or natter – any way to model positive relationships and the possibility of life to be a little more beautiful. These things can be surprisingly long.

In Australia National alcohol and other drugs It is in 1800 250 015; Families and friends can seek help in Family drug support Australia In 1300 368 186 in the United Kingdom, Work on addiction Available 0300 330 0659. In the United States, contact or text SamsaThe national auxiliary line in 988

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