WYou can try e hardly as we would like to build a better life for ourselves and our loved ones, but the fact is that sometimes things that are difficult to recover from sometimes occur. Folding things, shock, painful crushing. If you are a person suffering from ill -treatment; A member of his family lost very small. A child or child lost. He wanted a child and was unable to get one for any reason; Have an irreplaceable injury to your body and mind; Or you survived any tragedy that you left in despair, and you may feel a better life out of your grip.
I understand this. I saw him several times in my consulting room, and although I was very lucky in my life, I also knew that feeling certain that there are some shocks that you cannot recover from. When you are in the middle, or stuck in the aftermath, this is all that exists.
But I learned, as a patient in treatment and as a treatment, that it could become possible to attend pain and shocks, and put it in words and understanding. This can include the most fragile losses, which cannot be imagined, destroying the Earth.
This is an easier description than doing it. We go to all kinds of lengths – often unconsciously – to hide what hurts me, to hide the true meaning behind our pain. Sometimes, we believe that we feel pain, but in reality we are not – we avoid it, pushing it away, and turning our backs to it. Like hearing someone crying, quietly slipping out of the house and closing the door.
Take anxiety. A person may seek treatment because they want to help with the symptoms of anxiety that makes life-from the bombing in his chest to the race ideas in his head, all of them from the arrest of the mind and the body, and this means that they are struggling to get out of the bed. They are miserable. But what I discovered is that it can be easier, in some respects, to feel miserable towards symptoms of anxiety rather than feeling the emotions from which we escape. These physical and psychological symptoms can appear as a more acceptable conversion than deeper emotional pain that we cannot afford. It may seem better to be better to be anxious than being in pain. But if we want to put an opportunity to be able to understand the meaning in our suffering, we need to go towards feelings, memories and losses that are led by anxiety away.
If you are paralyzed due to anxiety, you do not live your life. But if you feel the pain while you know the reason, perhaps because you yearn for something you cannot get – love, security, mother or child – and you will make a sound for this pain, even if you are only in your mind, if you put it in words and listen to it, you can come to it, then you can understand the meaning of your suffering and survive. There is a consolation in it, which is completely different from leaving yourself to cry behind a closed door.
This differs from what people call the “dwelling” on something or something, which means a kind of drilling, such as anxiety of the wound. Feeling your pain is what makes the movement possible, while staying away from it ensures that you will remain stuck in it. Perhaps this was what the psychoanalyst Wilfred Pion was exploring when he wrote that good treatment should “increase the patient’s ability to suffer.”
Another thing I wanted to say about this topic. When something terrible for you happens, there is often an assumption – speaking or unannounced – it was your mistake. Of course, it is possible to make different decisions, if it could act differently, this may be or not – it may be very painful, but decisive, to confess. It may be that it could not have been prevented from this thing. It was simply of your hands, which is really terrifying to think.
It may be better to stick to guilt in a misplaced man, because this belief that your mistake protects you from the fact that terrible things can occur and there is nothing we can do about it. The famous scene in goodwill, when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon: “It is not your mistake” is very strong because Damon’s character thinks he already knows it, but we can see when he collapsed that he did not already believe it. What does not apply to this scene for me is that he believed that in the end because Williams tells him – in my experience, does not work like this. This is something that someone else cannot tell us; We have to find this fact within ourselves.
It is a devastating thing to face this reality. But although it may be intuitive, a better life can grow from the pain of realization that we are not in control. Because although we cannot control what is happening to us, when we can allow the experience of our true suffering, our pain and grief, we can find understanding and ability to sympathize, for ourselves and others as well.
Moya Sarner is a psychologist in NHS and his author When greater – conversations with adults in search of adulthood
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