This is how we do it: ‘Dating other men makes me realise I have a place to come back to’ | Life and style

Josue, 33

It’s not cheating or replacing each other, it’s accepting our urgings both

Everyone is different when it comes to sex. I’m the type of person who needs a special occasion to get me in the mood, like a date, rather than just getting into bed and saying, “Let’s have sex.” Sharing my personal space and sleeping together is enough intimacy for me.

Sebastian is different. He is more direct and can have sex at any moment. It’s more of a physical desire for him, whereas I need to build a deep connection. This has never been a problem, although I think he gets frustrated sometimes and wonders if I’m just making excuses. But I make it clear to him that even just sharing a bed is a kind of sexual intimacy for me.

We’ve been together for eight years, so of course he knows how to push my buttons and how my body will naturally respond to his touch. He can still get me started even when I’m cranky or tired.

Over the years a lot has changed in our relationship, and not necessarily in a bad way. A few years ago Sebastián had an encounter while on a trip. He was just tongue in cheek and told me about it right away and said it didn’t mean anything. It was a surprise, but from that point on we decided I would do the same. We agreed to give each other the freedom to meet others – not to start a relationship, but to flirt with other guys and use apps to date if that’s what we feel like. It’s not cheating or replacing each other, it’s accepting that we both have urges, and we may find other players attractive.

I travel for work, so I use apps out of curiosity, to chat and maybe meet up for a drink. I’m not keen on communicating with people, that’s if I’m bored and feel like hanging out with someone.

It’s made me feel more open about sexuality in general. I enjoy a way that doesn’t feel as if I’m hurting anyone, and Sebastián can do the same. If it gets annoying, we’ll talk about it, but that hasn’t happened yet. In fact, it made us feel closer. It made me appreciate what we have, which is intimacy and companionship. Also, being away from home so much, these experiences make me realize that I have a place to return to, and that I belong to someone.

Sebastian, 35

If we are traveling separately, we could meet up with another man, maybe something sexual will happen, maybe it won’t

Josue and I had sex often at first. Over the years, this has changed – we probably have sex about twice a week now. I would like it to be more, but he will say he is too tired or not fancy it. It’s a little frustrating, but I put myself in his shoes and accept that he doesn’t have the same drive as me.

A few years ago we came to an agreement that we could have a more open relationship. During the pandemic, we spent a lot of time together, so we started talking to other people online. It was a mutual agreement. We decided to download dating apps just to see what was out there – not to look for a new partner, it was just to chat with other people. Now if we were traveling separately we could meet up with another guy, maybe something sexual would happen, maybe it wouldn’t – we might just hang out and drink.

More conservative couples may have a different view of dating apps, but Josué agreed that they don’t impact how we love each other. It’s just that you are more open to contact with other people, and not being in such a closed circle. In this case, honesty and communication are the most important things.

It didn’t change how I felt about Josue at all. In fact, it’s the opposite. When you don’t spend all your time with someone you realize how much you are missing out. And if I catch another man’s attention, I’ll tell Josué about it. This doesn’t mean I will fall in love with this other person.

I never think that Josué is cheating on me or spoiling me. There is no jealous person. If there was, it would be exhausting. It may happen that he kisses someone, but my point is that this is happening at the moment, and it does not mean that you are in love with the person. The love between Josue and me has not changed.