What you should know if there’s no sexual attraction for your partner, according to a therapist

Editor’s note: Ian Kerner He is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and relationship contributor for CNN. He is the author of a guide for couples, “Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”

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Many heterosexual male clients come to my clinic and admit that they chose their partner without thinking about sexual attraction.

during Couples therapy sessions With his roommate, the man will pretend he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel wanted. Maybe it’s stress, Low testosterone Or feeling anxious.

But when I meet him alone, he often tells a different story. He told me that he chose his partner without prioritizing Sexual attraction.

Why would a person choose a potential life partner without feeling a spark of sexual attraction? Can these relationships continue and flourish? Can something like sexual attraction that wasn’t there in the first place be cultivated later?

I’ve talked to many men in their 30s who tell me, “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, I checked all the boxes. Except one.”

Characteristics on this list include “Be my best friend,” “I would be a great mother,” “Our friends and families get along well,” and “She really loves me.” The only box not checked? Sexual attraction – Often men do not mention this trait at first.

I was stunned.

Sexuality is the one thing that distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic relationship: I find it to be a kind of “relationship glue” that helps couples stay together through difficult times. That’s why I’m baffled that so many people underestimate the value of sex when choosing a partner for a long-term relationship.

“Research shows “Although physical attractiveness is usually among the most important traits people want in a romantic partner, it actually doesn’t top the list for men or women,” he said. Dr. Justin Lehmlera research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, a research center dedicated to sex. “Traits such as intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness are often at least as important, if not more so.”

Some men have internalized an “either/or” view of women: those who make great wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous, according to Dr. Elizabeth Perry, a Chicago-based sex therapist.

“I’ve noticed this in male patients who are in the dating world and feel pressured to choose someone they view as ‘wife material’ but without sexual attraction, rather than waiting to find a partner who suits them better emotionally.” Perry told me.

Good sex can help protect against psychological disorders, including anxiety and depression, help couples achieve a deeper connection, and improve relationship satisfaction.

“If a relationship is a meal, the sexual part should be considered an integral part of it, like a protein, rather than a trivial part like dessert,” says Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York City.

“In my experience, a woman can develop desire for her partner with great effort, but if a man has no desire for his partner at the beginning of the relationship, he will never want her,” Dillon told me. Why rely on sexual attraction later when you can prioritize it for your partner and enjoy the benefits from the beginning?

However, low levels of sexual attraction aren’t always a problem for couples, says sexologist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.

“For some people, a lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity or divorce. For others, a lack of sexual attraction only becomes a problem when one is in tune with one another,” says Fulbright, an assistant lecturer in the department of sociology at American University in Washington, D.C. With societal expectations about sex and desire.”

“A lot of pressure is put on couples to maintain an active sex life, and an exciting one at that. People have a feeling that there is a type and quality of desire that needs to be fulfilled, with a lack of interest in such a problem that it is seen as needing to be solved.”

Some of my fellow therapists caution against placing too much emphasis on the importance of immediate sexual attraction.

“We have the misconception that we must be physically attracted to someone when we first meet or else there will be no potential relationship. This is not true,” said sex therapist Dr. Rachel Needle. “Attraction can grow as you get to know someone and experience more “Convergence and connection.”

What should you do if you run out of sexual steam between you and your partner? Or if you want to turn up the heat in a relationship that didn’t have any to begin with?

Fulbright cautioned against offering any blanket advice. “Only partners can figure out the best way to manage this challenge in their relationship,” she said.

“Non-monogamy may be beneficial for somebut not others. Couples need to make a decision How honest it is to be with each other“How important it is for them to stay together or not, and how much weight should be given to this issue in light of the other good things they do for themselves,” she added via email.

Don’t feel like all is lost if you’re in a long-term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they focus on it. “We often don’t feel comfortable enough until our 30s to ask for what we want in bed,” Dillon said.

But I refuse to agree with anyone who thinks married people will stop having sex anyway, so why bother prioritizing sexual attraction.

“Many couples in their 50s can explore and expand their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nests. For couples in their 60s, 70s and beyond who are able to expand their definition of sex beyond orgasm and co-creating intimacy,” Dillon added via email. “Sex can still be vibrant and rich.”

Remember that your sexual health is a measure of your overall health. So, if you’re really experiencing an unexplainable decrease in sexual interest, consider talking to your medical provider. Your testosterone levels may have already decreased.

Whatever the source of your sexual disinterest, just be honest with your partner. It turns out that honesty can be an attraction (eventually).