Enter who I’ll call Elijah: tall (at least according to his profile), sharp smile, and a quip that actually matches my status. He loved to travel (which is non-negotiable for me), was a Manchester United fan, and even jokingly said: “I like to troll sometimes too” during our first few messages, telling me he wasn’t afraid. To apply it again. There are enough common interests to make me think that this might actually lead somewhere.
At first things looked promising. We agreed to meet up, talked about the time and place, but as the day approached, I realized we were still only texting. There are no solid plans. No details. Nothing was constant. The vibe has gone from “we’re getting together” to “are we, though?”
And then, instead of confirming, Elijah hit me with a full confession. He admitted that he was afraid of “temporary people,” who wanted to know the ultimate goal before anything began. Translation: He’s already formulated an expiration date for “we” before we even meet, casually adding that he still has one try, or maybe two, before he gives up on love completely.
At 30, I have no patience for mental gymnastics or existential dating crises. So, I got straight to the point: “Sir, is this your way of evaluating whether it’s worth meeting?” Subtext: Are you canceling before we even meet?
“I just don’t want you to feel like I’m putting in the bare minimum of effort,” Elijah tried to reassure me. But his actions say otherwise. The energy I want from a man comes without disclaimer, without doubt, and certainly without hesitation. So we wished each other well and closed the chapter before it even began.
For Black women in 2025, this is not a one-time story, but a recurring pattern. detailed navigation, Soft releaseand perfectly timed three-hour text responses became the norm. The lack of effort was widespread and became a collective word among my group of friends. Different faces, identical models, and all roads lead to the same dead end.
But it’s not just me and my friends. Social media is filled with caricatures of people who either completely missed the mark or almost got there but fell short.In all fieldsAnd not just black men. There’s the “I’m a laureate” man who believes that a clean apartment, a consistent exercise routine, and a decent paycheck make him God’s gift to women. Wearing a superficial cloak, the Podcast Philosopher™ treats relationships in intellectual language, tossing them away like microphone drops. Someone talks to you in circles. The other expects you to meet him exactly where he stands. They both require emotional labor that they will never give in return, never considering that they might be the problem.
Then there’s the guy I Don’t Want to Waste Your Time™, whose lofty rhetoric is merely a preemptive excuse for minimal effort (I’m looking at you, Elijah). Or his counterpart, Busy Guy™, whose work seems impressive – until it becomes clear there’s no room for you. And let’s not forget that 9 times out of 10 he is the one who approached you.
Add to that the Love Bomber™, who talks about forever but can’t commit to next week; Trauma Dumper™, which mistakes your emotional bandwidth for free therapy; And The Narcissist™, which not only leaves you doubting yourself, but guarantees it, diminishing your self-confidence until all the focus is on him. And of course, the Grand Gesture Ghoster™, immortalized by the “guys the day before you ghosted” TikTok trend, with his hilarious, exaggerated remarks —”Let’s go to Italy tomorrow…” “I told my mother about us…” “The city hall is just down the street!”– Before disappearing without a trace.
